Got another song running through my head. And I didn't even turn on the radio this morning!

Wishing... and hoping... and planning... and dreaming... No-o, just do it. And after you do, you will be his..

(you've got to show him that you care - doo-doo-do-dooo-do - just for him, do the things he likes to do... wear your hair, just for him, becau-use... you won't get it wishing and a-hoping... cause wishing... and hoping...)

I think Soul Mate has a pipeline to Mme. Cleo's World and it's a good thing. Yes, even though she tells me that things aren't going to get any better because there isn't anyone with a clear-cut idea of what they want to do about it, it's a good thing to have that impression reaffirmed. I mean, isn't it?

Had to iron a dress for today, so last night I set up the ironing board in front of the TV and watched 'Raymond.' Isn't it fascinating how sometimes, if you're careful, the universe will show you what to do? The ep last night was funny - and a repeat, but I'd never seen it before. Seems that Raymond had a diary and his mother used to read it 'every night after Carson.' He made her apologize for invading her privacy and she told him, "How else was I supposed to know what's going on in your life? How else was I supposed to know if you were on drugs or something?" So she apologized, because she had invaded his privacy, even though the book was only stuffed under his mattress (the first place she'd look, quoth Robert) and had been written in code (a sort of pig-latin). Then she demanded an apology from him in return and wouldn't say why.

So Raymond goes to Robert (and we discover that Robert had a diary, too. One he kept under the mattress and the REAL one he kept in a safety-deposit box at First National). Robert commiserates as only brothers can (he laughs) and Raymond goes back home demanding to know why he should apologize. So Marie (the mom) goes to the drawer, gets the diary, opens it to October 8, 1974, and reads: I hate my mom. There's nothing else on the page but that. They argue, because Raymond has no idea why he wrote that, but he wants to write it off as 'typical teenage stuff.' Marie won't let him. Because there was nothing else on that page. No extenuating circumstances. So he gives in and apologizes. Then Debra comes over (Raymond's wife).

Debra is furious that Raymond apologized. Wasn't Marie at fault? she says. Then Marie explains the sitch. Seems that Marie had a hard time raising her 2 boys with no help from her husband. She was lonely and wanted to know if she was a good mother. So she goes to Raymond's diary and sees "I hate my mom." So Debra tells Raymond to apologize. He says he did. She says, "Do it again!" So he does it again. And Marie makes him cross out the old entry, write in 'I love my mom,' and then sign it and date it and initial it, too. And everyone's happy. It's a good show.

But I'm still wondering. If Marie never invaded her son's supposed privacy (and, considering she cleaned their rooms and helped provide for the roof over their heads everything in that house was partly hers to begin with), she never would have known what he said and they never would have had that conversation. Of course, there wouldn't have been a show, but that's taking things a little far. Should Ray have apologized? Or had the 25 years of devotion he'd shown to Marie since then been all for naught?

Hmm... I guess, then, it comes down to this. Marie did read it. She did invade his privacy. She does owe some sort of apology for that much, even if it wasn't difficult to do it, even if she had every moral right to do it. So she read it, and she was hurt by it, and for that, Raymond apologized in return.

Hmm... I know that people have read things that I have written and been hurt by it. I never intended to hurt anyone's feelings by it. I was just - like Raymond - writing stuff in a semi-secret place. Stuff I was dealing with. Stuff I was struggling with. Not everything I wrote made much sense. Some of it was simply bizarre. Some of it was anger turned outward, and a lot of it was anger turned inward (no wonder I gained some weight back). So people found my ravings. People I was raving about. People I was frustrated with or hurt by. I didn't know I was being watched, so a lot of stuff came out unfiltered, as it tends to do when I'm working my way through a problem. (I know I'm being watched here, so a lot of this is being carefully considered. I don't want to make a mistake or say something untrue.)

Let's see.. where was I? Oh, yes. People I was raving about found my raving and were hurt by it. I'm sorry that it hurt them. It wasn't written or expressed in order to hurt them, ironically enough, but for me to figure out a way to get through a lot of chaos so I could move on and regain lost ground, to get to a place where I could stop any hurting. I wish that were self-evident... but there I go again. Wishing and hoping. I can't change what I wrote and I don't think I would. I've seen too many eps of Quantum Leap to know that, if you change even one thing, Jackie Kennedy wouldn't survive that motorcade through Dallas. If I didn't rave the way I did, would I have been able to find the mental peace that was mine even last week? I don't think so. A person has to experience the lows, or what's a heaven for?

Again. I'm sorry it hurt. It wasn't intentional, but it did hurt nonetheless.

And there it is and that's, again, all I want to say about that. Besides, my boss is back from lunch.
posted by SPowers at 1:57 PM | Remember It!

I've never cried at work before today. Oddly, that news must make some people feel quite happy and proud of themselves. Thank goddess no one else is here but the copier repair guy, but of course, he wasn't here then and it's not over the copier that I'm shedding tears.

Not that I expect anyone to feel sorry for me - I don't. I guess I just needed to tell someone.

Oh.. why did I cry? Because I've been duped by someone whose word I thought I could trust, that's why. Duped. Once again. Me. It's becoming a pattern. You know, I get cut off a lot in traffic, too. Is it related? Is there indeed some sign or some aura that tells people, "Take advantage of her - go ahead. Lie to her - it doesn't matter. She's just not worth the time or effort it requires to be honest."

I read a post - actually, a series of posts, not too long ago where someone was holding fast & firm to the idea that it was moral to lie to people you don't respect if it gets you what you want. I guess that guy isn't so far removed from the mainstream of society as I thought. And I guess I'm one of those people no one respects. Or maybe that should read, the 'vast majority' doesn't respect. There's a lot of freedom when you're not respected, when you don't have to live up to any high standard or professed principles. A lot. I want to enjoy that freedom.

God damn it. I'm GOING to enjoy my freedom! There ain't no one whose lies to me are worth me getting upset ANY MORE. I've been there and done that. I've been left on my knees like Brenda, screaming and pleading for Sonny to please just give her another chance to prove she's still worth his time - even as Sonny angrily shoves her away. Someone wants me on my knees again. I'm sorry. I may be incredibly hurt and sad by what's happening, but I will NOT beg for forgiveness when I've already done so.

Or does that mean I'm not humble enough? Or something else noble like that. Would a person who truly has no ill will to bear mind having to prove and re-prove their apology? their sincerity? Their honest willingness to put the past where it belongs? Or is my dismay at having been told my first apology was not good enough or worthy enough or whatever simply proof positive that I didn't mean it the first time? Is it simple pride that is taking me down this road? Pride that, after six months of amicability, I don't want to crawl across that bedroom floor again? I never thought I was drenched with pride, but it may be that you never see yourself as you truly are.

Yeah. I'm probably too proud. That's why it irks me that my apologies were made meaningless. I'm sure it has nothing to do with the people I apologized too. They're probably perfectly within their rights as human beings to demand a fresh apology every six months. I had no idea before now. Can you forgive me for that? for not understanding there was a time limit imposed on my first apology? That it had expired, like an open jar of mayo?

God damn it all to hell. I'm crying again. And the copier repair guy is in the other room just doing his job. My apologies are worthless. They mean nothing. How can anyone look at me again? Why are you still reading this? Go away. All of you. Just go the hell away.

Please. Leave me alone. I'm worth less than your consideration even thus far, even as something to do while you cut your toenails or scrub grout. I mean, it's obvious. Or I wouldn't be sitting here reaching for a tissue.

My box of Kleenex Cold Care that my Sweet Husband bought for me the last time I got the sniffles. You know... he's never held me to this standard of apology. Does that mean he knows I'm not worth being treated like everyone else on this planet is treated? Does that mean he's just pitying the poor thing who was never brought up right to know that every six months an apology expires? Every six months you have to crawl across the bedroom floor again? Every six months until the day you decide it's time to die? I love him! Why am I not treating him like he deserves? Like I need to keep apologizing for things I've said or done years ago? He's the most important person in this world. Yet I expect him to accept a single apology from me and never argue about the old issue ever again. The things that man does for me! He must either really love me, or really pity me.

I can only hope it's the former.

I want that to be all I have to say. I want to believe.
posted by SPowers at 11:38 AM | Remember It!

Some Haiku is better than no haiku. Thanks, Deb - how sunny & springtime fresh! *L*
posted by SPowers at 9:09 PM | Remember It!

Ohhhhhh Life. It's bigger. Bigger than you and you are not me... I thought that I heard you laughing. I thought that I heard you cry. I think I thought I saw you smile. But that was just a dream. That was just a dream. It's me in the corner. It's me in the dark. I'm losing my religion...

Ever get a song stuck in your head when you don't know the lyrics? Damn, but that's annoying!
posted by SPowers at 9:19 AM | Remember It!

Ain't it always the way? The one time you have time on your hands and the inclination to do something with it is the one time forces beyond your control prevent you from doing it. God damn it.

Oh, my. Did I curse again? uh... oops.
posted by SPowers at 8:45 PM | Remember It!

It's dropping into the 40s tonight - and up to the high 70s tomorrow. Brrr! At least I know I'll be warm again tomorrow.
posted by SPowers at 6:48 PM | Remember It!

Some thoughts on last night....

You're welcome, Mr. Soderbergh.

Russel, you know where to go if you want to really celebrate. *sigh*

Okay... Julia Roberts was good in that movie, but that scene of Ellen Burstyn frightened me. No. I don't think I'm going to watch the movie. At least, not soon.

Steve Martin... wow. Classy, understated and incredibly edgy. He's always been a fave of mine and I'm glad he did so well last night. Course, I'll probably read a bunch of reviews saying how awful he was as a host. And I did miss my usual 3+ hour dose of Billy. C'est la.

Bjork is one strange chick. (No pun intended.) Pretty voice, but a strange chick.

The cinematographer was funnier than the writer, which goes to prove once again that writers are generally terrible at verbal communication.

I did not like Jennifer Lopez's dress. The woman who sang the Crouching Tiger song - she looked great! So did Goldie Hawn (but she always looks great), and Penelope Cruz - I loved that dress! (So did Sweet. He promised, once I got to some magical goal weight, that we'd go shopping for an evening gown. And I'd wear it.... where?)

So I watched the whole thing and I'm sleepy. I want to go to bed now, but I have to go take a shower and get dressed for work. Someone's got to make a living, you know?
posted by SPowers at 6:52 AM | Remember It!

Yes... this has been a trying week. Thanks to Deb the SuperSecretary for her help with a problem I discovered this morning. I do feel better about it, but we'll see how things go as the week progresses. I read some blogs this morning and last night and I think... was it Tina?... who empathized with me about work. Thanks. And... let's see... Carol had her baby? Yeah - that's right. Carol did her bit for propagating the species. Way to go, Carol! Although, it was kinda funny to read the blogs just beforehand. You should be sure to keep a copy of your blogs so you can show your little angel when she gets older. This kind of info will be invaluable to her, particularly when it comes time for her to think about having kids of her own and whatnot. I'm glad it looks like I'll never get pregnant, because it's too late for me to get any similar information from my own mother, and such advice and thoughts are the one thing I know I would want (and lack) the most.

Let's see... other news. Amanda's been making the most of her time, I see. I have been thinking about trying one or more of those recipes, but then again... your warnings about caffeine are well taken! *g* (- Oh. Do you happen to remember the words to The Sewer Urchin's theme song?)

Tina - almost forgot. You're reading LOTR? *eek* How cool is that! Like I may have mentioned, I've been reading it to Sweet. We've just finished Book V (last chapter: The Black Gate Opens) and he snickered at me: now I know where you got your trick of pacing stories and why you always cut out at the worst time! And I snickered back: you may as well steal from the best! (heh heh heh) (as if I could compete in Tolkein's league, but it's a nice compliment all the same)

Deb. The hacking. Damn. PC problems today. Again - damn. I'm glad Sweet could help you reformat your hard drive. Hopefully you'll get it all under control before you have to go accomplish something else.

**

Some days I feel like William Holden in Stalag 17. Sweet says I should remember how that story ends and hold firm. I say it only goes to prove a girl's best friend is her Cookie.

*giggle snicker laugh*
posted by SPowers at 3:34 PM | Remember It!